


do i deserve your love?

by yuunjiemi



Series: blooming [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, a lot of kissing and cuddles, ryan: the therapy, shane going through existential crisis: part 2, steven knows what's up, whoo here we go again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25305826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuunjiemi/pseuds/yuunjiemi
Summary: It didn’t happen, it won’t happen.It was a mantra Shane thought throughout the day, occasionally slipping from his mouth that got questioning looks from his crew and producers. He tried to ground himself into his work, boy you had a meltdown because of this yesterday, and yet his mind kept racing back to the suffocating feeling that something was amiss.A beautiful relationship blossoms between Shane and Ryan and yet, the underlying worries that circulate around Shane's mind take a hold of him.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Series: blooming [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833049
Comments: 10
Kudos: 58





	do i deserve your love?

**Author's Note:**

> heyy, it's your dorky author
> 
> i couldn't resist making pt2 of "Catharsis" so here it is, enjoyy

_Your love makes me drown in the vast ocean,_

_Please, I am scared of losing sight of you._

Shane woke up with a startle. He felt like his nose was clogged, his mouth stuffed and his ears deaf.

He lifted his head groggily, eyes straining against the oddly bright room until he realized he was in his bedroom. He remembered passing out on his couch after having to go through one of his wildest explosions of feelings, on top of comfortably squishy-

Shane scrambled up, legs tangling in the blanket strewn over him and almost falling face first before going out of his room until he caught the soft smell of bacon wafting from his kitchen. It felt strange for him to wake up to the smell of freshly sizzling slices of bacon being made and Shane slowly inched towards the kitchen.

Ryan had one of his Airpods in his ears and was humming to what suspiciously sounded like the single version of Borderline. Shane kept his giggles silent as Ryan swayed his hips oh so alluringly and was rotating the bacon when he felt arms sliding around his waist.

“Jesus Chris- Shane!” Ryan let out the most unflattering yell and twisted around to hit Shane with the spatula. “I almost flung the pan at you, you devil!”

Laughing, Shane rubbed his arm as he groaned. “Aw! Stop, it got oil on it!”

Ryan frowned, crossing his arms as he glared at Shane. “That’s what you get for scaring me like that. Next time you pull off something like this, I will personally remove you out of the kitchen and you would have to get permission to get in while I’m in here.”

“Oh, please Ryan, it’s not like I came rushing at you while brandishing a knife. I am just looking for a simple, morning hug,” Shane said, grinning as his hand got smacked away from reaching out to squish Ryan’s cheek. “You’re such a meanie, Ryan, I guess yesterday’s therapy and cuddle session was only reserved for sad Shane.”

Ryan made a ‘hmph’ and turned to the bacons which Shane was surprised it didn’t get burnt. Grinning, Shane sauntered towards Ryan and dipped down, just behind his ears. “May I hug now?”

Turning the stove off, Ryan glanced at Shane before nodding, shoulder drooping low as Shane wrapped an arm around his waist and put his chin on top of his head. Shane inhaled slowly, drinking in the soft lime shampoo and burying his nose into the tousled hair, trying to forget the nauseating feeling at the back of his mind. 

It didn’t happen, it won’t happen.

It was a mantra Shane thought throughout the day, occasionally slipping from his mouth that got questioning looks from his crew and producers. He tried to ground himself into his work, _boy you had a meltdown because of this yesterday_ , and yet his mind kept racing back to the suffocating feeling that something was amiss. 

Instead, he settled for annoying Ryan and Steven, whether it was nudging them in the ribs if they were standing close or poking at their stomachs until Ryan decided enough is enough and flung himself onto Shane. The charade ended up with Shane laughing his gut out with triumphant Ryan straddling over his hips while Steven was openly glaring at them with an expression of a man ready to defenestrate.

Flustered, Ryan bolted to his feet and scrambled out of the room. Shane was left belting out rumbustious laughter as he got to his feet.

Hours passed by, and it was time for employees to head home. The sun was setting hazily, lazy wafts of warm air coiling around the office but Shane wasn’t heading home yet. Staying to compose his tracks, Shane was loftily tapping away on his keyboards when a glimpse of movement caught in his periphery and he looked around just in time to see Ryan walking past his room. 

Smiling, Shane stood up and sauntered just behind Ryan who seemed to be walking towards the break room.

“Sir, you come here often?”

Ryan looked up to see smirking Shane standing in the door frame as he was making coffee, and scoffed. “Not today Shane, I am behind on animating the texts for ‘Are You Scared?’ and I gotta finish it by tonight.”

“Pre-recorded contents really be hitting Ryan off his chair,” Shane said, scooting a bit closer to the shorter guy as he casually slung his arm around his shoulder. “Though, you can sit on my lap instead, free of charge.” He murmured.

“You- ” Before Ryan could complete his expletive, a loud bang rang from somewhere and they froze, Ryan amid of strangling Shane.

They listened intently for a moment, their sense of listening peaking as they tried to pick up any disturbances. Shane shrugged and turn around to see wide-eyed Ryan holding his shirt quite strongly. Shane smiled and patted Ryan’s head.

“Hey, it could be anything, some of the crew might still be there.”

“It’s nearing 8 pm, Shane, who could be here unless they were procrastinating until mid-day to do their screen texts for their show?”

A pause. “Are you referring to me- “

Another loud bang echoed and Ryan simply latched himself onto Shane, hands winding up around his chest as he looked at the door frantically. “That is not a coincidence!” Ryan whisper-screamed.

Grinning, Shane wrapped his arms around Ryan’s broad shoulders and clung to him. “Well, if we are talking about coincidences, I am sure there could be an axe-carrying murderer just outside this door waiting for us to exit so he could chop us down to minced meat.”

Ryan yelled, slapping Shane right on the pectoral. “That is not cool, Shane! This is exactly what happens in horror movies, one idiot tries to be funny and goes to challenge the murderer only to end up dead _first_.”

“But I am your idiot.” Shane laughed, heart content at the multiple reactions he is getting and he reached out to massage his shoulder. “Okay, sorry, it’s just- You have the funniest expressions when you are scared or livid. I can’t help but keep pushing your buttons.”

“There are no buttons to push, I am hereby forbidding you to touch my buttons for two weeks,” Ryan grumbled, though swaying a little as he leaned in into the hug, inhaling the tinge of coffee clinging onto Shane’s shirt. He was suddenly reminded of yesterday when he was carrying Shane to his room, which was not an easy task and taking his jacket and socks off. He had to admit, he was instantly hooked onto Shane’s smell when he _accidentally_ buried his face into the jacket and inhaled the sweet muskiness that hung around the collar.

“You alright? You look like you just went through an existential crisis and coming down from a high.” Shane mumbled, tone oddly conciliatory as he brought his hand to sift through the shorter’s hair. Ryan blinked, trying to steady himself from the ‘existential crisis’ towering over him who was also holding him like he was a fragile glass. 

“I can’t get any work done with you hanging around. I am gonna head home.” Ryan said, leaning away from the smothering warmth and the lingering smell of coffee.

Albeit already missing the soft lime exuding from Ryan, Shane pulled his arms away. “Shouldn’t we go investigate what that noise was, though?”

Ryan shrugged. “Nah, man, that’s a problem for tomorrow, right now, I am only concerned with you.”

Shane raised his eyebrow, “I said that yesterday.”

“Wait, you did.” They looked at each other for a bit. “Wow, déjà vu.”

Wide-eyed, Shane looked at the clock that hung on the wall and spoke. “Should we be worried, I feel like time itself is repeating.”

“Shane, you have too much caffeine in your system, let’s just go home.”

-

“Was it really wise of us to leave that thing unchecked?” Shane said, looking out through the window even if there was no tangible light to see. It was a cloudless night with stars sprinkled across the sky like specks of diamond dust. They had left the moment they went out of the break room, locking the place and bidding goodbye to the security stationed at the front desk.

“It’s okay, it was probably some computer malfunction or something like that, it is totally fine.”

An uncomfortable silence etched between them as the car sped across the street, rolling past walkways that had pedestrians taking their evening stroll.

Shane sighed. “How is that fine, Ryan? Just admit it, you were scared.”

“What- I will have you know that…” His shoulder slumped. “Yeah, okay. I was scared, you happy?”

Shane laughed, leaning against the headrest as he looked at Ryan. “No, no, it’s okay to admit you were creeped a little, nothing wrong with some healthy fear.”

“Anyway, why didn’t you check it out, if you are such an ‘ _I have no fears, fear fears me_ ’ person,” Ryan said, fingers making quotation marks on the car wheel.

“I do have my fears, Ryan, just not typical to that of commonly shared Halloween-esque ones like clowns or ghosts.”

Ryan snorted. “Oh, then tell me more of your uncommon, totally authentic fears.”

“Well, one of them being me walking in the street and someone injects me with a syringe full of heroin,” Shane shuddered, suddenly uncomfortable on the seat. “I think I would pass out before the needle breaks through my skin.”

“Okay, anymore?” Ryan answered, turning right as the light lit green.

Shane pondered for a moment, looking out as few cars rolled by occasionally. He had been thinking about this since his first breakup, even if it didn’t affect him as much as it did now. It occupied his mind ever so often.

“Losing something and living my life regretting it.”

Ryan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his heart fluctuating as the air around them suddenly turned serious. “Like what?”

Shane shrugged. “I don’t know, it can be anything. Not valuables or possessions. Just, feelings and memories.”

Ryan waited for him to continue, eyes glazing over the light stops. He can almost hear the sharp intakes from the seat next to him and he was sure he might be treading onto a very risky territory.

“People say that it is okay to let go and it is okay to move on but, I find it difficult to do so. Like, imagine, you were living your life peacefully, you were being no hindrance to anyone in particular. But then suddenly, someone or something decides to leave you and it leaves a gaping hole in your heart.”

He let out a groan, internally reprimanding himself but something propelled him to keep talking. “I am scared of losing things that I love dearly, Ryan. I am scared of falling in love knowing that it won’t become true or permanent. I just- I spent so much time committing, putting effort into things that meant nothing to anyone. I just want people to care.”

They arrived in front of Shane’s apartment building, the parking lot empty with flickering lights flashing somewhere. Ryan turned off the engine and a disconcerting stillness settled in between them.

“Shane, do you regret asking me out?”

For the first time, Shane missed the comforting hum of the running engines. “No.”

“Then we need to get something clear,” Shane felt a hand circling his arm and he finally turned around to meet Ryan’s unwavering gaze. It felt intimate, the way Ryan seemed to peer into his soul and heat bloomed in his guts as he stared into his chocolate eyes. “I will never ever leave you hanging. At this moment right now, I can say without even blinking that I like you. _A lot_.”

“And I am sorry that you had to go through the things that happened in the past. I won’t just ghost you without any closure to what we have.” 

Shane took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he held Ryan’s hand. “If we ever- ” Pause. “If we ever do break up or we start to fall out from our relationship, please tell me we will let each other know.”

Ryan nodded, squeezing Shane’s hand in reassurance. “Of course.”

Shane brought his hand to cup Ryan’s cheeks and everything that happened afterwards was a blur. They were closing the car, Ryan circling his arms around Shane’s neck as he kissed him passionately, and they were in the elevator, grappling onto whatever they could hold as the salacious sounds of wet kissing resounded audibly in the tiny space. Ryan was hoisting himself onto the handle when their teeth clanked and their eyes meet, causing Shane to snigger against his mouth that led to the two stumbling into Shane’s apartment laughing their heads off.

“Oh god, I thought we would be having mature make-out session but I guess it always leads to us grinning at whatever silly things we do,” Shane said, hugging Ryan tightly as they laid on the floor.

Ryan tried to extract himself from Shane but the taller guy had a strong embrace around him. “I like it when we are doing dumb things, that’s what we do for a living.”

Shane huffed out, before giving a small peck on Ryan’s forehead. “So, we are continuing our scandalous face-eating competition, right?”

“Don’t make this any weirder than it already is,” Ryan mumbled before dipping down for a peck on the lips but Shane curled his fingers around Ryan’s nape and he was already latched onto his lips, kissing greedily as he scooted over and leaned back against the beige wall. Ryan’s back arched as another hand was brought to the small of his back while the other glided down to squeeze his hips. So many things were happening at the same time, it made Ryan dizzy as he straddled Shane's hips. 

An idea popped in Ryan’s head and he thrust out an arm to balance himself as he slowly, torturously rocked his hips against Shane’s laps, making the other suck in air sharply as he groaned out in between kisses. “God, Ryan, don’t stop- ”

“Dun- Don’t worry, I woh- won’t.”

It was safe to say Shane was entranced, completely absorbed by the nimble move of grinding hips that so so dangerously close to his crotch. He had realized he had yearned for this intimacy he was feeling right now. They were in his apartment, with no lights except the silver beams of moonlight glowing right beside their splayed bodies. He swayed and swooned, body melting into Ryan as they gently broke apart, eyes aglow with amazement.

Ryan exhaled deeply, smiling giddily as he leaned his forehead against Shane. “That was- “

“Amazing, shocking, breathtaking, all the synonyms of wonderful.” Shane murmured, suddenly aware of the delicate bliss in the hall. He did have too much caffeine in his system.

“Mmm…” Ryan hummed before pecking Shane on the forehead. “I am too tired to go home now, might as well crash here tonight.”

Shane chuckled, hand patting Ryan’s thigh as he nodded. “You are welcome to lounge on my bed, if you want.”

“Heck yeah, my neck hurts from sleeping on the couch yesterday.”

They stood up, but not before Shane almost toppling over Ryan due to his “numb legs” and the two almost falling over again. They somehow safely made their way to Shane’s bedroom and sprawled on his soft bed. Ryan was lying face down when he felt a hand slide across his stomach and he opened his eyes to see Shane smiling as he gazed at Ryan. “You’re so handsome, you know that?”

Ryan snorted, mind hazy as he inched closer to the towering man beside him. “You too, you too…”

The room was dark, with only few oblique rays of gleaming through the small gaps of curtain. There was a comfortable silence that was light and mellow, like a soft cushion you sink into when you lay on your bed before Shane groaned out.

“Uh, I forgot to brush my teeth.”

**Author's Note:**

> istg im too scared to write smut bcuz i know i will fall into that rabbit hole **DEEP**


End file.
